sometimes i wonder...

Sometimes i wonder,if someone in the future will ever care to know about me or care about me. If i will ever become that famous or do such important work which people will remember me by.Frankly speaking other than my family no one else cares about me, and i am completely expendable in the overall scheme of things. I have not touched even one extra persons life, physically, mentally or emotionally. I would like to do something to change that.

Help out socially in some way that i do not feel my life has been a total waste. Explore new horizons of experiences, learn to trust my heart and my soul with people, and be willing to share myself. Though sometimes i feel that more people you meet and the more you share, the more bits and pieces of you are taken away from you, though inversely i too would be doing the same, taking away little bits and pieces of them with me, taking in their ideas, adapting mine, looking at things differently. So, though my theory doesn't hold strong completely, it does mean that i need to share and this fact scares the shit out of me. I feel that i will lose the essence of my self and the things i believe in.

But, is my self so weak that it cant learn and accept new ideas, thoughts and feelings?

Superficial, shallow, flightly, inexpressive, closed, selfish, aloof, discontented, moody, temperamental, unemotional, over analytical,cold, fixed, stubborn, rude,..would you say that defines me...?

21/01/07

excerpts from my notes....

Some days are good days. Friends come down, work goes well, the weather holds, and all's well with life. Today was one of those days. Am sitting here at bandstand, with the wind blowing in my hair, sending chills up my body, drinking it all in-the sea, the people, my thoughts for company. I wish there wud b more days like this. Days you feel grateful for, which make you feel alive, that everything is all right with your world. Days, which you pray may never end, and if bad times do come, some such days are always thrown in, to show some light in my life

21/01/07

for the fun of it

There are a lot of things in life of which i don’t know about.

I don’t know where i am going or what i am aiming at in the long run. But sometimes the fun of life is in not knowing what is going to happen next, spending time in anticipation of events and in hoping for the things we want coming through. In making things happen as much as possible.And in doing so, finding out about what one really wants from life. And once finding it, grasping it tight in my hands, and not letting go…

i know not what i want

i sat down
i wrote all tht i wanted to do...
i thought and i thought about it
i discussed it over a period of time with friends and family
but,
i still dont know what i want to do in life...
i am happy the way life is for me currently
but i know i will not remain in this situation all the time
i know i need to know myself and my wants, needs and beliefs...

but i dont need much...
and nothing is so important that i want it enough to leave everything else behind
my beliefs i know and am clear about...

so where does that leave me...?
other than perplexed and bewildered with the way things are happening...

i still dont know what i want. - "WANT"