mad hatters random thoughts

It's funny...

2007-12-12T17:43:00.001+05:30

Its funny how people come together for sometime and then move away again, like beams of light, which glow and grow bright and then wane away, or maybe like fireflies, little spots of light, which come on and blink by.

Sometimes the small things they do make so much of a difference to our mental health and sometimes time may pass us by and we may not even talk and it wouldn’t really be great shakes.

Situations and feelings change sometimes without our realizing it, and sometimes we might want them to change but they still keep haunting us.

Just makes me wonder sometimes…

small realisations

2007-12-12T17:41:00.000+05:30

An issue/problem is as big as the importance you give it.

Simultaneously, any person has the ability to affect you, proportionately to the power you give to that person.

Is education a way of enforcing similar thought processes in a mass of individuals?

Is self-education a better prospect?

How much of what we think is what is told to us and how much is our own understanding and acceptance of the situation?

lamenting the fact that we have internet explorer

2007-08-03T14:38:00.000+05:30

i so very much hate internet explorer...!

nothing ever seems to open up completely on it...
the most common refrain it echoes out is....

"done..but with errors on page"
i rue the day Bill Gates thought he had come up with a fool proof..bug free edition..! btw..why am i even lamenting this fact..! its known that without doing so...he would never have made the huge mountian of dough (read moolah...money..lots of loot) he has made...

wish I had come up with the idea..and knew some coding to get down n do it..!!heheh..

so i do the intelligent thing and pound away on mozilla whenever i can...

here's to grey matter finally winning over..!!

not so technologically handicapped as thought to be

2007-08-02T17:00:00.000+05:30

Wonder of wonders..! I managed to put in a blogroll(read a link to the blogs i like)..on my own...! Yoo hoo...!!! ( ok...with some teeny weeny help...was directed to where I should go to do it.....hehhe)

I have been wondering how to do this for ages..( think the main problem was that internet explorer sucks and doesn't display all the links )
I even mailed some completely unknown person to ask how to do it...though they never got back to me...

Just makes u think how distrustful as a race we humans are...what harm does a lillte reply to a mail does?...

but anyways....here we are. Have one link up...now just need to go out there and read tons of blogs..like few of them and put them up here....

so till then...here's to good reads..and what not..!!

granting sam's wish

2007-08-02T16:49:00.000+05:30

sam
sam
sam
sam...

eh..will that do??

sometimes i wonder...

2007-05-05T12:25:00.000+05:30

Sometimes i wonder,if someone in the future will ever care to know about me or care about me. If i will ever become that famous or do such important work which people will remember me by.Frankly speaking other than my family no one else cares about me, and i am completely expendable in the overall scheme of things. I have not touched even one extra persons life, physically, mentally or emotionally. I would like to do something to change that.

Help out socially in some way that i do not feel my life has been a total waste. Explore new horizons of experiences, learn to trust my heart and my soul with people, and be willing to share myself. Though sometimes i feel that more people you meet and the more you share, the more bits and pieces of you are taken away from you, though inversely i too would be doing the same, taking away little bits and pieces of them with me, taking in their ideas, adapting mine, looking at things differently. So, though my theory doesn't hold strong completely, it does mean that i need to share and this fact scares the shit out of me. I feel that i will lose the essence of my self and the things i believe in.

But, is my self so weak that it cant learn and accept new ideas, thoughts and feelings?

Superficial, shallow, flightly, inexpressive, closed, selfish, aloof, discontented, moody, temperamental, unemotional, over analytical,cold, fixed, stubborn, rude,..would you say that defines me...?

21/01/07

excerpts from my notes....

2007-05-05T12:23:00.000+05:30

Some days are good days. Friends come down, work goes well, the weather holds, and all's well with life. Today was one of those days. Am sitting here at bandstand, with the wind blowing in my hair, sending chills up my body, drinking it all in-the sea, the people, my thoughts for company. I wish there wud b more days like this. Days you feel grateful for, which make you feel alive, that everything is all right with your world. Days, which you pray may never end, and if bad times do come, some such days are always thrown in, to show some light in my life

21/01/07

for the fun of it

2007-05-05T12:16:00.000+05:30

There are a lot of things in life of which i don’t know about.

I don’t know where i am going or what i am aiming at in the long run. But sometimes the fun of life is in not knowing what is going to happen next, spending time in anticipation of events and in hoping for the things we want coming through. In making things happen as much as possible.And in doing so, finding out about what one really wants from life. And once finding it, grasping it tight in my hands, and not letting go…

i know not what i want

2007-05-05T12:13:00.000+05:30

i sat down
i wrote all tht i wanted to do...
i thought and i thought about it
i discussed it over a period of time with friends and family
but,
i still dont know what i want to do in life...
i am happy the way life is for me currently
but i know i will not remain in this situation all the time
i know i need to know myself and my wants, needs and beliefs...

but i dont need much...
and nothing is so important that i want it enough to leave everything else behind
my beliefs i know and am clear about...

so where does that leave me...?
other than perplexed and bewildered with the way things are happening...

i still dont know what i want. - "WANT"

nothing going on

2007-03-17T17:06:00.000+05:30

as u can see there have been no new posts, cos i haven't been thinking of anything that i want to spread gyaan about...

just keeping my fingers in here.

blankness - here i come

my mara-walk-jog

2007-01-28T01:38:00.000+05:30

well, these are all the people behind whom i managed to mara-walk-jog the latest edition of the mumbai marathon....
my shoes killed me....need to invest in new ones urgently....or atleast before the next one....
hogged on a damn good brunch...after ages....

oh...! n got locked out of the house, courtesy the house keys bidding me good riddance...

all n all... a great and memorable day...that i shall remember for a long time...only thing i missed is my sleep....yawnnnnnnnn.....!!

n more thoughts...

2007-01-28T01:28:00.001+05:30

Is it that the human mind can never be satisfied and happy?
If things are working out in one sphere of our lives, we look for more reasons to be unhappy about somewhere else. Work’s going fine, Wow! What can I worry about now?? Oh, yes, we haven’t bought a house as yet! Need to re do the furnishings, get a new car!
After we have screwed up ourselves financially, we start looking at our relationships. Be it with our partners, loves, friends, parents, whoever happens to be giving us even a little bit of stress in our lives currently.
And if we don’t find somebody, we go back to when someone did actually hurt us and stress about that, or, if we were the one to have done something, we stress about how matters could have been different.
Personal, financial, professional, studies, sexual, whatever you can think of, we have a problem with it at every stage of our lives. If we don’t have one, we create one. Does it make us feel more important? To what are we actually searching answers for? What is the ultimate goal? Can we ever be satisfied with what we have? Can we ever be really happy, without needing
psychological support of our problems to prop us up? Without needing others to define what we are and what we do?
This is not philosophizing, but the questions I keep asking myself, especially because I keep going through this cycle myself. Sometimes it just plain feels like petty issues running after things and never being happy and accepting what we have and can do. But then, I always come back to the fact that if we didn’t have a goal to reach for, we would never try to go beyond
what we can do, what we can believe in…

Think I just sound silly….

I wish I had an answer to what I want in my life and not keep running away.

some parts of my last trip...

2007-01-28T01:28:00.000+05:30

Some months back, I went for a short trip to some parts not explored.... Part mistake and part education, an introduction to some parts of myself I never knew about and to things I don’t want in my life. Gives one clarity!!
But no, lets leave that aside. Today, I am talking about the good parts of the trip....this is old stuff..which i just jotted down then...random thoughts...

The sun is rising on the right. From my window on the left, the sky is still dark and blue, the moon is sparkling silver white. The plains below are hazy lines and textures. Once in a while, it shimmers up at different places, and, I then realize, that it is the moon reflecting off the water below, flashes of curves and lines-white silver light.
----Sometime later, the sun reflects off the underside of the wing, turning it light orange pink. It is complimented by a lighter sky with a hazier moon, cut right across by feather clouds, the pinkish orange staying over this line----more beautiful than one can ever describe. It looks just the way the sky looks in movies, when they pan the shot climbing up the stratosphere towards space.
-----as the sun climbed higher and we neared the airport, the landscape was just as viewed from google earth. It makes you laugh, how much this place is like a painting. Clean, perfect lines, flat colours and no greys. A birds eye view shows the city laid out precisely, with nothing looking out of place. The buildings are all old, nut looking at them one can’t really believe that. Perfect straight lines, no illegal construction, complete uniformity, but even despite that, a very strong personal identity to each and every building.

Green, green trees, perfectly planned communal spaces, wherein every need and thought has been planned for and given space. There are people, but not so many. There is hardly any litter. Beggars don’t come running across to harass you, the way the firangs are treated in our country. You are not stared at here, but are funnily enough accepted. Is it really so, or are we just plain ignored?
But the best part is, that I have never ever seen so many birds –ducks, swans, geese and myriad others that I do not even recognize abound and live around the same spaces that people do. There are quaint seating areas built around you mini canals everywhere, where one can just go and relax and unwind.
----the sky is absolutely open, blue with white swirls of clouds-whispers across the skies, as if someone’s just taken a brush and lightly swirled it across. The sun’s up from 5 to about 10.30 –11 at night. Long days of summer to relax in. Perfect light for my camera! Its bright white light – doesn’t get any more intense than at 6 in the morning and remains so the whole day, flagging off only when its about to set 10ish…
Quaintest is to see people cycling away, leisurely, 8 year olds to 80 years olds….

i am So So Upset...

2007-01-22T20:22:00.001+05:30

i am upset.

i have been upset before, quite a bit, but i hope i am never again for this reason.
i have been always told, that the older you grow, the newer friends you make, they are never as true to you as your childhood friends are. i never believed that, but people are making me change my mind.I hope i never make this mistake again.

i find that i have made quite a few mistakes in the people i have allowed to keep in touch with me, and allowed into my life and friend circle, people i have opened up to in the past year. I really regret doing that.

i open up to them, because i think they will understand me as a person, not so that they would go behind my back and try and snoop. If they have the guts for it, or really care so much, they should come forth and ask me, if they are the supposed friends they are supposed to be. I was never so upset, when the people they are currently chatting up with moved out of my life, as much as now, by this. It makes me feel right, that i don't normally give my trust so easily, and i should stick by that resolution for life. Value the real friends and discard the crap that is out to ruin your life....!..aaarrrghhh...!!! i so very much hate this...!!!

the only resultant thing is that people are going to lose a good friend, my trust lost is never to return again.

good riddance to bad rubbish....!!

2007-01-21T18:00:00.001+05:30

live n let live

2007-01-21T17:18:00.000+05:30

i do not understand people.

i ask very little of them, almost nothing to be precise.
i let them be and just ask for them to let me be, as i am, to let me get on with the way i want to be.
i just don't understand why they can't understand this simple life path of mine.
i do not want to know what makes them tick, what makes their life sweet and sour, what made their day beautiful or painful or sad or happy or grand...or deliriously exciting....

well i do, but not to the extent that i am going to probe and prosecute and ponder and poke away at their way of life...

i just let them be, to be the person they want to be.

i just wish that people would give me that much of respect too and let me be and not complain that i don't care.

out of my reach

2007-01-21T17:04:00.000+05:30

the clock is ticking,
wht i want is right there,
just,out of my reach

the journey never ends,
running after ever eternal wants,
the goal is up ahead,
just, out of my reach

love is there for me to find,
do i want it, is the question
for it is out there,
just, out of my reach

life is waiting,
up for grabs,
reach out your hand,
b'cos u'll find it only when you look for it

a lil girl

2007-01-10T21:23:00.000+05:30

there was once a lil girl,
who could never do as she was told,
and loved it best to be as contrary,
to what was expected of her.

she loved to read all night thru,
esp when she was told NO.

she loved to end her lines with a squiggle,
her songs with a warble,
and her dances with a wiggle...
go figure..!

and loved to tell NO, just when she meant YES,
esp to people, who ought to have known her better.

but she ran into trouble, when life caught upto her.
people gave her what they thought she said she wanted
and never understood her.

there was only one lil problem,
she ever so remained the lil girl,
who could never do as she was told.

scream for help..! need a painkiller..he he...

2006-12-26T23:12:00.000+05:30

The head splits
Pain dances across the scalp
I cannot sit still,
without screaming out.

Disjointed words slash away.
CUT, disfigure,Miam-maul, scrape
bunches of flesh, snatched & scoured.
Burn, Bleed, Carve, Pull it all out.

Nausea builds, I cannot escape.
Questions keep battering,
inside my brain,

I need ESCAPE..!!

someone hand me a disprin....this headache is killing me

regrets......

2006-12-26T22:58:00.000+05:30

A glance is all I allow myself,
I fear to reveal what all I feel,
I hide behind my insecurities
little knowing its consequences,
that I am pushing you away.

One day I find myself talking;
Only to thin air.
The walls I have built around myself,
are too hard to break away.
And even walking through them,
I do not find u again.

I wanted to keep my distance.
I wanted to keep myself safe.
I believed I could walk tall and strong, all alone.
I believed I never needed anyone.

I do not need to believe anymore.
I am alone.

a collection of life's choices

2006-12-21T20:47:00.001+05:30

Each and every person is a collection of choices he has made in life. From what we eat, listen, do and do all these with, all of it are conscious choices made each and everyday. These choices mould him and govern him and control him and make him the person that he is. Initially he is the one making the choice, as governed by free will and then the choices make him.

For each and every time we make a choice, we choose what we want to live with and how. We choose one path over the other, closing doors as we go along, and though we might believe that we would or could go back and have a look at what we had left behind, the path has already changed directions and does not remain the same. The choice is made. We may feel that we are going back to what we may have rejected earlier, to explore, but the circumstances and the reality of the same has changed, and thus it is an overall new choice and not the desired one.

But what does one do, if one regrets the choices that one has made and realizes that some things cannot be changed? Is it then, the ego which holds us back, or is it logic or is it that really that the choice just does not exist any more?

and some more thots....

2006-12-21T20:46:00.000+05:30

What does one do, when after being given something, it is snatched back? When one knows that it has been taken back and the same cannot be regenerated again? Can one just sit back and regret what has happened or can one go ahead and grab it back?
It feels like a deliberate act to hurt, though I know that is not the case. It is a deliberate action to not hurt oneself, to not get hurt anymore

hitchhiking

2006-12-21T20:44:00.000+05:30

This is an excerpt from hitchhikers, which i keep going back to over and over again

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of a dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."

i dreamt....

2006-12-21T20:37:00.000+05:30

I am with my sisters …in a huge pool like structure…wherein the pool slants upwards away from us..its not like a regular pool….u can imagine it as a dammed version of a pool…the way the dam’s wall rises against the sky….but its walled in all 4 sides..(half the pool is formed in this manner) the other half has steps which seem to go down…to something…(the impression being the sea - but you can see it). There are a lot of people around…and you see them as you would..if u were sketching out a seaside…just blurred figures…no faces...just stick figures...all around…giving the impression of a lot of people…behind us there seem to be large roman columns(they are part of a building)...2-3 floored structures.

We are walking down the steps (this is the other half of the pool)...we plan to sit on the steps as we don’t want to get into the water….when suddenly the whole place seems to fill up water and the structure behind us also gets completely flooded…this is not like rushing water ..but quite still water which just envelopes this whole place….like in a vaccum

I feel myself swimming and trying to get out. I swim out of the 2nd floor passage and towards the central courtyard. The courtyard has no water and i sort of am about to jump through this wall of water out, when i realise that my sisters are not with me. So i go back in and find my elder sister first and get her out. Then i go back in for my younger sister. While this is happening, i have this impression that months has passed and not only a few moments. I can see people floating in this vaccum of water. I finally come across my sister and start pulling her out of the water, when suddenly the water starts subsiding and everyone slowly starts coming out of the limbo they were in....

and i wake up...

still haven't been able to decipher why i had this dream and what it might have meant....

counting my blessings-1

2006-11-17T16:58:00.000+05:30

first in - my family...

i never realised how MUCH i depended on them till this year...
they have always been around, supporting me, encouraging me, rooting for me, when no one else did.... there have been ups and lots of downs, but i have sailed through them only cos i was always supported by them and had them around...

some more thoughts

2006-11-17T16:19:00.000+05:30

the past year has been an year, when i have changed jobs, cities, people i used spend time with and in a lot of cases;all the stuff i have always done. in the process, i have had no time, lots of time, some time....free.

no time scenarios somehow now seem to be heaven sent, b'cos your head and your thoughts do not make you question your beliefs, ideas, principles,basically what you are. the scenario gives you no time to question any of your actions other than the work you are currenlty involved in..its great as u have this sense of achievement and accomplishment.

some free time days were also good. they allowed me to relax and unwind and get back to work full force. these times are recuperating days for the first scenario - recharge, refresh and back to the grind...

but, i just hate the lots of time-free times, cos they absolutely kill me..emotionally,mentally..n hehe yes..financially.

todays thoughts

2006-11-17T16:07:00.000+05:30

i was going through one of my friends blogspots and thought of:
1.i agree with her completely on a lot of things
2. i never knew she felt like that about things
3. how can u open up yourself for the whole world to read about your innermost feelings?
4.now that u have done so - does anyone really care?